IFS and The Role of Exiles: Understanding the Parts We Try to Hide
As a Denver trauma therapist, I’ve seen how our inner world holds many different parts, each with its own story, emotions, and purpose. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy provides a powerful framework for understanding these parts, especially the ones we try to hide—our Exiles. These are the wounded, vulnerable parts of ourselves that carry deep pain from past experiences. Though we often push them away, they continue to influence our emotions, relationships, and sense of self in profound ways.
In this post, we’ll explore the role of Exiles in IFS, why we suppress them, and how reconnecting with them can be a crucial step toward healing. Whether you're familiar with IFS or just beginning to explore your inner world, understanding Exiles can help you cultivate greater self-compassion and emotional resilience.
What are Exiles in IFS?
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy identifies all of the different parts of our mind that make up who we are. That includes our Exiles, which are the parts of us that carry deep wounds or painful memories.
We develop Exiles as a response to conflict and trauma, often forming in childhood when overwhelming emotions—such as shame, fear, or grief—become too much for us to process. In order to survive painful experiences, our system instinctively pushes these vulnerable parts deep into the background, isolating them from our conscious awareness.
We create Exiles because, at the time, acknowledging or expressing complicated emotions might have felt unsafe, whether due to family dynamics, societal expectations, or direct harm. In order to create a protective mechanism, we exile these parts to shield ourselves from the intensity of their pain. But over time, this suppression can lead to emotional triggers that feel out of our control, inner conflict and self-criticism, and the weight of unresolved pain.
Along with Exiles, IFS also identifies other parts of ourselves:
Managers - These are the proactive, typically controlling parts of ourselves that try to prevent painful memories and emotions from surfacing. We experience our Managers through the parts of ourselves that might be organized, perfectionistic, people-pleasing, and hypervigilant.
Firefighters - Like the Managers, our Firefighters also aim to protect us, though these roles are reactive and impulsive. We may experience our firefighters through more extreme behaviors like substance use, self-harm, and eating disorders.
The Self - The Self is at the core of IFS as the true version of who we are. Ultimately, the goal is for the Self to take the lead in order to help us feel more in control and balanced.
The Link to Core Parts of IFS
Exiles, while deeply vulnerable, are not isolated from the rest of our internal system. They are closely connected to the managers and firefighters, the protective parts of us that work tirelessly to keep these wounded aspects hidden from conscious awareness.
Managers take a proactive approach, using strategies like perfectionism, overachievement, and people-pleasing to prevent exiled pain from surfacing. When this fails and Exiles' emotions break through, firefighters may react impulsively, often using distraction or numbing behaviors like substance use, overeating, or self-harm to quell the overwhelming emotions.
These protectors, although well-intentioned, often exacerbate emotional distress in the long run. The healing process involves the Self, which, when allowed to take the lead, helps both protectors and Exiles release their burdens, allowing for a more balanced and harmonious internal system.
How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Helps Uncover the Hidden Parts of Ourselves
IFS therapy can help you uncover your exiled parts by helping you build a compassionate, curious relationship with your internal system.
Instead of forcing painful emotions to surface, IFS provides a gentle, structured way to approach them with self-leadership. The process begins by identifying and working with the protective parts—like managers and firefighters—that have been guarding the Exiles. These protectors often hold fear or resistance toward revisiting the past.
Once your protective parts feel safe enough to step back, you can approach your Exiles with curiosity and care, allowing you to better understand your pain, fears, and unmet needs.
The Healing Process With IFS
By identifying and understanding your Exiles rather than rejecting them, you can begin to unburden the emotions and beliefs that have kept them stuck.
This process relies on a safe space for you to connect with your Exiles compassionately, fostering self-understanding and allowing you to heal. Ultimately, you can reconnect with yourself in a deeper, more authentic way and restore balance by putting your Self in control.
This is what you can expect from the healing process with IFS:
Establishing self leadership - Identifying your Self as a calm, centered presence that can guide your thoughts and emotions.
Building trust with your protectors - Engaging your firefighters and managers to better understand them and view them with greater compassion.
Connecting with your Exiles - Allowing your protectors to move back so you can connect with your exiled parts and provide the care and attention they need.
Unburdening your pain - Allowing your Exiles to release the emotional burdens they’ve been carrying, such as shame, fear, or worthlessness. You’ll learn to transform these emotions into something more positive, like safety, hope, and peace.
Integration and balance - As your Exiles heal and your internal system no longer needs them, your Self can truly take the lead and stop relying on your different parts. You’ll find a greater sense of inner peace, self-acceptance, and emotional balance.
The Benefits of Embracing Exiles through IFS
By identifying and embracing your Exiles through IFS, you can finally find a deeper sense of wholeness and healing. With IFS, individuals are able to accept and move forward from their trauma while also experiencing these benefits:
Increased self-compassion - Instead of self-criticism, you can learn to treat yourself with greater compassion, allowing you to feel more whole and positive in the long term.
Experiencing more authentic relationships - Because Exiles often cause unhealthy relationship patterns like people-pleasing or emotional withdrawal, healing your Exiles allows you to show up more authentically and learn how to place healthier boundaries in your relationships.
Freedom from self-sabotage - Because of trauma, you may have developed unconscious behaviors and coping mechanisms. By embracing your Exiles, you can break free from those patterns and choose to develop healthier ways to cope and care for yourself.
A greater sense of wholeness - With your Exiles and protectors at odds with each other, you may be used to feeling fragmented and unhappy. By healing those parts, you’ll feel a greater sense of wholeness to help you live a more positive, authentic life.
How to Get Started with IFS
If you’re ready to start your journey toward healing, I’ll be here for you every step of the way. I use IFS Informed therapy along with other treatment methods to help my clients understand and process their trauma in a safe space. Instead of reliving it, we’ll work together to make sure you’re building long-term skills to continue to heal, treat yourself with compassion, and develop healthier coping mechanisms for life’s challenges.
While IFS Informed therapy might be the best option for you, we may also explore other methods like EMDR, somatic experiencing, and DBT.
To get started, contact me today to schedule an initial consultation call. I’ll ask you a few questions about your goals and experiences before we move forward to schedule a first appointment. At every step of the way, your comfort and feelings of safety are my top priority.
About the Author
Gigi Woodall, LMFT
Eating Disorder & Trauma Therapist in Denver
Hi, I’m Gigi—a Denver-based trauma therapist passionate about helping individuals heal and reconnect with themselves. My work focuses on exploring how early experiences, relationships, and protective parts of the self shape our inner narratives. Through a compassionate and individualized approach, I help clients challenge limiting beliefs and step into a more authentic, intuitive way of living.
My background includes working with nonprofit organizations and treatment centers before transitioning to private practice. I am actively involved with the Eating Disorder Foundation and the Denver chapter of the International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals (IAEDP). Currently, I’m on the path to becoming a Certified Eating Disorder Specialist (CEDS).
With specialized training in Internal Family Systems (IFS) Informed therapy, EMDR, and eating disorders, I provide a safe, supportive space for those navigating recovery, trauma, and self-discovery.
Looking for support on your healing journey? Book a free consultation to see if we’re a good fit.